". . . and a little child shall lead them."   --Isaiah 11.6

The Ten Commandments According To Kids

1. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
5. The fifth commandment is "Humor thy father and mother."
7. The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
9. The ninth commandment is "Thou shalt not bare faults witness."
10. The tenth commandment is "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

Good Answers In Bible Class

• Teacher: Can people predict the future with cards?
  • Student: My mother can take one look at my report card and tell me what will happen when my father gets home.
• Teacher: Do you pray before meals in your house?
  • Student: No, we don't have to, because my mom is a good cook.
• Teacher: Does anyone here know what we mean by "sins of omission"?
  • Student: Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?
• Teacher: How many people were saved in the ark?
  • Student: All of them!
• Teacher: How did God create the world?
  • Student: He did it left-handed. Jesus was sitting on his right hand.
• Teacher: In what order do the gospels come?
  • Student: One after the other.
• Teacher: Johnny, what is the matter?
  • Student: I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.
• Teacher: Let's talk about the number four in the Bible.
  • Student: That's the same as the old I am!
• Teacher: Remember, children, that God is one.
  • Student: And I'm three!
• Teacher: The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.
  • Student: What happened to the flea?
• Teacher: What did Samuel do to Saul to make him king?
  • Student: He laminated him!
• Teacher: What do we have to do to go to heaven?
  • Student: Die.
• Teacher: What must we do before we can expect forgiveness of sin?
  • Student: Sin?
• Teacher: Who is other person in your picture of "The Flight To Egypt"?
  • Student: Pontius, the pilot.
• Teacher: Why did Joseph and Mary take Jesus with them to Jerusalem?
  • Student: They couldn't get a baby sitter.
• Teacher: Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?
  • Student: Because people are sleeping!
• Teacher: Why was the Great Flood sent?
  • Student: Because of the large numbers of dirty people.
• Teacher (after explaining the commandment "Honour thy father and thy mother."): Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?
  • Student (oldest in a family of seven children): "Thou shalt not kill."
• Teacher (after talking about the older brother's displeasure): Who was not happy when the Prodigal Son came home?
  • Student: The fatted calf.
• Teacher (after telling about the man in Luke 10 who was beaten and robbed): If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?
  • Student: I think I'd throw up!

Letters To The Preacher

Dear Preacher, Are there any devils on earth? I think there might be one in my class.

anonymous

Dear Preacher, I hope to go to heaven someday, but I would prefer later rather than sooner.

Love, Ellen (age 9, Athens)

Dear Preacher, I know God loves everybody, but he never met my sister!

Yours sincerely, Arnold (age 8, Nashville)

Dear Preacher, I like your preaching. It doesn't put me to sleep.

David (age 10, Wichita)

Dear Preacher, I liked your sermon Sunday, especially when it was finished.

Ralph (age 11, Akron)

Dear Preacher, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you would move it to Disneyland.

Loreen (age 9, Tacoma)

Dear Preacher, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.

Stephen (age 8, Chicago)

Dear Preacher, My father says I should learn the ten commandments, but I think we already have enough rules in my house.

Joshua (age 10, Pasadena)

Dear Preacher, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives me a sermon about something.

anonymous

Dear Preacher, Please pray for all airline pilots. I am flying to Grandma's tomorrow.

anonymous

Dear Preacher, Please say in your sermon that I have been a good boy all week.

anonymous

Prayers

• "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." --anonymous 4-year-old
• "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." --Caitlin
• "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." --anonymous
• "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take." --anonymous grade schooler
• "Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name." --anonymous 3-year-old boy
• "Thank you for the food and all the drinking." --Russell

Other Comments From The Kids

1. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
2. A deacon is the lowest kind of a Christian.
3. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
4. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
5. [as the collection plate was passed] Don't pay for me, Daddy; I'm under five.
6. Eliza came before the king wrapped in a camel's hair and said, "Behold me, I am Eliza the Tidbit."
7. If David had one fault, it was a slight tendency toward adultery.
8. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
9. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
10. King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 porcupines.
11. Little is known of the prophet Elisha, except that he once went for a cruise with a widow.
12. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
13. [during a long sermon] Mommy, If we give him the money now, will he let us go?
14. Moses died before he reached Canada.
15. Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
16. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
17. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.
18. One of the opposums was St. Matthew.
19. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
20. Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Harrod's.
21. Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles.
22. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
23. Sarah was Abraham's half-wife, otherwise mid-wife, sometimes called columbine.
24. The Bible is against bigamy when it says that no man can serve two masters.
25. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
26. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
27. The first book in the Bible is Guinessis in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple.
28. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
29. The people who followed Jesus were the 12 decibels.
30. Unleavened bread is bread made without any ingredients in it.
31. When David slew Goliath with a catapult, the age of missile warfare commenced. This incident drove the first nail into the coffin of Feudalism.

What Do You Remember?

What Animal Is It?

A yellow animal with brown spots and a very long neck.

GIRAFFE

An animal that seems to have long arms instead of front legs. A funny animal that makes us laugh.

MONKEY

A large, furry animal. May be black or brown or white. Sometimes we have furry toys like this animal.

BEAR

A small animal that many people have as a pet. Comes in many colors. Says, "Meow."

CAT

This animal is called the "king of the beasts." It is strong and fierce. It is a light brown color.

LION

This animal is a well-liked pet. It has been called "man's best friend." It comes in many colors, and it barks.

GOD

One more thing . . .