Before making his hospital rounds, the doctor likes to get an update on his patients from the on-duty nurse. . . .
Doctor: How does Mr. Smith feel about his recent brain surgery?
Nurse: He's still open-minded.
Doctor: How is the little boy who swallowed all the dollar bills?
Nurse: No change.
Doctor: How is the woman who had extensive plastic surgery?
Nurse: She hasn't lost face.
Doctor: How is the man who fell in the upholstery machine?
Nurse: He seems to be recovered.
Doctor: How is the showoff who got hurt on his ski trip?
Nurse: He's gone downhill fast.
Doctor: How about the guy who got decked in Las Vegas?
Nurse: He's dealing with it.
Doctor: How is the woman who is obsessed with knowing the time?
Nurse: We're watching her.
Doctor: Did the demolition expert say he enjoyed his accident?
Nurse: He said he had a blast.
Doctor: How is the man who was run over by the eighteen-wheeler?
Nurse: He's very tired.
Doctor: How is Mr. Midas, who was overcome by automobile fumes?
Nurse: Exhausted!
Doctor: How is the horse trainer who got trampled in the barn?
Nurse: His condition is stable.
Doctor: How is the woman whose left side is paralyzed?
Nurse: She's all right.
Doctor: How is the man who fell into the vat of swimming pool paint?
Nurse: He's feeling pretty blue.
Doctor: How are the young twins?
Nurse: They're about the same.
Doctor: Did you give Mr. Steele some advice about his kleptomania?
Nurse: I told him there's always something he can take.
Doctor: How is the retired math teacher?
Nurse: She still has a lot of problems.
Doctor: How is Mr. Corn?
Nurse: I'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life.
Doctor: How is the forest ranger that had the tree fall on him?
Nurse: He isn't out of the woods yet.
Doctor: How is the patient from Tulsa?
Nurse: OK.
Doctor: Did our weight loss expert say fewer people are coming to her class?
Nurse: She said the crowd is thinning out.
Doctor: How is the sanitation worker?
Nurse: He's down in the dumps again.
Doctor: How was the man with sensitive eyes, once we gave him heavier curtains?
Nurse: Delighted.
Doctor: How is our chronic complainer?
Nurse: She's critical.
Doctor: How is the drilling rig operator?
Nurse: He's doing well.
Doctor: Can the injured bicycle rider stand up by himself?
Nurse: No. I guess you could say he's two-tired.
Doctor: How is the man who thinks he is shrinking?
Nurse: I told him he would have to be a little patient.
Doctor: Is our terminal patient keeping the contents of his will a surprise?
Nurse: He's trying to, but it's a dead giveaway!
Doctor: How is Mr. Scott?
Nurse: Great!
Doctor: Is Peggy still engaged to the man with the wooden leg?
Nurse: No. She broke it off.
Doctor: How is the mechanic who is addicted to drinking brake fluid?
Nurse: Doesn't think he has a problem, thinks he can stop anytime.
Doctor: How is our municipal judge?
Nurse: Fine!
Doctor: How is the cemetary worker?
Nurse: He's in grave condition.
Doctor: How is the former orange juice factory worker?
Nurse: No wonder they canned him--he just doesn't concentrate.
Doctor: Did the ex drug addict say he had a new sign in his yard?
Nurse: Yep. "Keep Off The Grass."
Doctor: Did Damon get behind on payments to his exorcist?
Nurse: Yep. Repossessed!
Doctor: How is the little girl who tried to eat a live duck?
Nurse: A little down in the mouth.
Doctor: Tell me about the man who had an accident while pulling a trailer.
Nurse: He's put it behind him.
Doctor: How is the meteorologist?
Nurse: He's still under the weather.
Doctor: Mr. Key was hit by a piano that fell into the shaft where he was working!
Nurse: So . . . A-flat minor?
Doctor: What about the guy who broke his leg in three places?
Nurse: He decided that from now on he'll stay out of those places!
Doctor: How is the lady who accidently swallowed the helium balloon?
Nurse: She's up and around.
Doctor: How is Mr. Roget?
Nurse: He's doing great, wonderful, fantastic, stupendous, marvelous. . . .
Doctor: How is the stock market speculator?
Nurse: He's suffering from depression.
Doctor: How is our albino patient?
Nurse: Fair.
Doctor: What about the guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
Nurse: Handling it like a seasoned veteran.
Doctor: How is the nervous guy, who just feels like an insignificant pebble?
Nurse: I think he's become a little boulder.
Doctor: What about the man who combs his hair before going to sleep?
Nurse: He certainly makes a good impression on his pillow!
Doctor: What was it you asked Mr. Filbert?
Nurse: I said, "What are you, some kind of nut?"
Doctor: How is the clown who injured his funny bone?
Nurse: He is in serious condition now.
Doctor: Was Mr. Morton advocating euthanasia?
Nurse: No, he was talking about Chinese teenagers!
Doctor: How is the mentally unstable TV producer?
Nurse: He's had another episode.
Doctor: And the mentally unstable magazine publisher?
Nurse: He certainly has a lot of issues.
Doctor: But, is he showing any improvement?
Nurse: Periodically.
Doctor: Did you know that real estate guy sold me a pyramid for only $100K?
Nurse: Egypt you.
Doctor: But the place I bought is right on the river!
Nurse: You're in denial.
Doctor: The patient in Room 514 works where?
Nurse: In the mint.
Doctor: That makes cents!
Doctor: How is the woman who can't play guitar because of her arthritis?
Nurse: She isn't fretting about it.
Doctor: How is the lumberjack?
Nurse: He still has that severe hack.
Doctor: What was it you asked that tobacco-spitting contestant?
Nurse: I said, "How do expect to rate?"
Doctor: Is the man who got caught in the optical glass grinder embarrassed?
Nurse: Yes, he feels he made a spectacle of himself.
Doctor: How is the land developer?
Nurse: He has improved a lot.
Doctor: Any further problems with Mrs. Potts?
Nurse: Yes, but we have a handle on them.
Doctor: And the plumber who can't adjust to our schedule?
Nurse: He's definitely out of sink.
Doctor: Does that sculptor keep modeling clay in his hospital room?
Nurse: Yeah . . . You wanna make sumpn' of it?
Doctor: How is the guy who didn't think his orthopedic surgery would help?
Nurse: He stands corrected.
Doctor: How is the burn patient whose insurance company won't pay up?
Nurse: She's still hot under the collar!
Doctor: How is the entomologist?
Nurse: He's caught a nasty bug.
Doctor: Why did that rock guitarist name his band 1023MB?
Nurse: They haven't had a gig yet.
Doctor: How are the two fighters who punched each others' lights out?
Nurse: Their future's looking dim.
Doctor: What did Mrs. Gamm say about the surgery on her lower leg?
Nurse: She thought it was quite a shindig!
Doctor: How is the Alaskan with the hallucinations?
Nurse: Still seeing optical Aleutians.
Doctor: How is the patient with the severe rash?
Nurse: Itching to get over it.
Doctor: Well, how far along are we in his treatment?
Nurse: We've only scratched the surface.
Doctor: Hey, are you still dating that nudist guy?
Nurse: I'm not seeing as much of him this winter.
Doctor: How is the fireworks expert?
Nurse: He's had another flare-up.
Doctor: What about the actor, Mr. Hamm?
Nurse: I think he's cured!
Doctor: But he broke through the floorboards!
Nurse: He was just going through a stage. . . .
Doctor: Tell me about the kid from Little League.
Nurse: At first he wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit him.
Doctor: How is the old watchmaker?
Nurse: He's feeling run-down.
Doctor: What about the man with the toothache?
Nurse: Hopefully, it's driving him to extraction.
Doctor: Was the stand-up comedian practicing his routine?
Nurse: I heard him say, "I'm here . . . all weak."
Doctor: And the woman who joined the dangerous cult?
Nurse: Says from now on, only safe sects for her!
Doctor: How is the guy that the police brought in?
Nurse: He's in guarded condition.
Doctor: Did you know he's actually a robot?
Nurse: Really? What's he charged with?
Doctor: Battery!
Nurse: What a shock! Hope they give him a dry cell!
Doctor: Is Mr. Shetland's laryngitis any better?
Nurse: He's still a little hoarse.
Doctor: What about the wheelchair-bound guy who threatened to sue the hospital?
Nurse: I told him he didn't have a leg to stand on.
Doctor: How is Mrs. Fettucini?
Nurse: Pasta point of no return.
Doctor: I was alfredo that!
Doctor: How is the skydiver who got caught in the high lines?
Nurse: Still hanging in there.
Doctor: Did Mr. Taylor ask you to resuture his wound?
Nurse: Actually, he said, "D a r n   it!"
Doctor: Did he not think I did a good job with the stitching?
Nurse: Well, he called you a lousy sew-and-sew.
Doctor: What about the guy who came in here with shingles?
Nurse: He's at your house putting them on.
Doctor: How is the patient with contagious amnesia?
Nurse: Who?
Nurse: Hey, what if you did surgery on another doctor and he wanted to do his own anesthesia?
Doctor: I'd tell him, "Knock yourself out!"
Nurse: What would say if he wanted to close?
Doctor: "Suture self."
Nurse: A friend of mine is having a birthday. What do you give the woman who has everything?
Doctor: Penicillin!

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Dumb Things People Say
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Elmwood Court