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SIGNS

I try to read and follow the instructions on signs, but sometimes it gets me in trouble. I had already been delayed on my trip, because at the truck stop I saw a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS." They were really dirty, so it took a lot of scrubbing. Back on the highway, a sign said "END ROAD WORK," so I walked up to the construction crew and told them to cease and desist. A scuffle ensued; I ended up in the hospital. When I was able, I took a walk down the corridor, where I saw a sign that said "WET FLOOR," so I did. An ill-tempered nurse promptly directed me to the nearest restroom. Right under the paper towel dispenser was a bin with a sign reading "WASTE PAPER," so I spent the rest of the day making paper towels into airplanes, hats, funny animals . . .


At a place where you go to confess your sins:
ADMITTING CHAPEL

In a British office:
AFTER THE TEA BREAK
STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE
TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

On Arapaho Road in Richardson, Texas:
AHEAD

Demonstrating that there is a difference between truth and adspeak:
ALWAYS OPEN / CLOSED

On a commercial vehicle in Plano, Texas:
ALICE'S HOUSE CLEANING
FOR FREE ESTIMATE
CALL SILVIA

On a church building's markee:
ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS
POSTPONED FOR
CLASSROOM REPAIRS

Traffic sign, contradiction department:
ALL THROUGH
TRUCKS MUST
DETOUR
||

In a veterinarian's office:
ALL UNATTENDED CHILDREN GIVEN FREE KITTEN

At a nursing home in Richardson, Texas:
AMBULANCE
DELIVERIES
IN REAR

"Professionally" made sign on a store in Pine Bluff, Arkansas:
ANTIGUES & THINGS

On a shop:
ANTIQUE TABLES
MADE DAILY

Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
ANY MEMBER INTRODUCING A DOG INTO THE
SOCIETY'S PREMISES SHALL BE LIABLE TO
A FINE OF ONE POUND. ANY ANIMAL LEADING
A BLIND PERSON SHALL BE DEEMED TO BE A CAT.

In a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR
GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE
THAN 30 DAYS WILL
BE DISPOSED OF.

Title on a school system office door:
ASSISTANT ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT TO THE ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL

In a park in North Vancouver, British Columbia:
ATTENTION DOG GUARDIANS -- PICK UP AFTER YOUR DOGS. THANK YOU.
ATTENTION DOGS -- GRRRRR, BARK, WOOF. GOOD DOG.

In an English laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES.
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a Gymboree store:
BABY SALE
$10 - $20

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

On a shop on Menaul Blvd., Albuquerque, New Mexico:
BATTERIES WHILE YOU WAIT

At a shop on Georgia Highway 94, catering to batmobiles:
BATTIRES

On a veterinarian's office:
  BE BACK IN FIVE MINUTES.   SIT!   STAY!  

On Coit Road in Dallas:
BEGIN

Just in case you thought a handbag was a type of belt:
BELTS (excludes handbags)

At a railroad station:
BEWARE!
TO TOUCH THESE WIRES IS INSTANT DEATH.
ANYONE FOUND DOING SO WILL BE PROSECUTED.

In a commercial district in Louisville:
BIG & TALL
ORTHODONTIST

In a Piggly Wiggly grocery store:
BONELESS BANANAS

Along one passage in Mammoth Cave:
BOTTOMLESS PIT
105 FT.

On a truck in front of a CASKET store in Dallas:
BOXES TO GO

Outside the Old Town Cafe in West Yellowstone, Montana:
BRAKE   FAST   6 A.M.

In Miami, Florida:
BREAKFAST SPECIAL
LIVE BAIT
SHINE - WORMS
BEER - ICE
SALT WATER BAIT
BLUE CRABS
JAIVAS

In Bryan, Texas, where I first learned you needed a phone for this:
CALL ON JESUS
776-PRAY

In a commercial district in North Richland Hills, Texas:
CASKETS
NAILS

In a commercial district in Mesquite, Texas:
CASKETS
SELF-STORAGE

In Plano, Texas, in a shopping center:
CASPIAN FOOD MARKET
GRILL &

Beside the road in the United Kingdom:
CATS EYES
REMOVED
FOR 1 MILE

Road sign:
CAUTION
THIS SIGN HAS
SHARP EDGES
DO NOT TOUCH THE EDGES OF THIS SIGN
ALSO, THE BRIDGE IS OUT AHEAD

Hand-lettered sign in a convenience store in Utah:
CHECK OUT THE HOT DEALS
IN OUR FREEZER CASE

Billboard advertising itself for rent:
CHEEP SIGN

Yum! On the windows of a southern-home-cooking restaurant:
CHICKEN SEAFOOD SALAD STEAK BURGER

In Ketchikan, Alaska:
CHICO'S MEXICAN RESTAURANT
THE BEST PIZZA IN TOWN

I-forget-where, probably an antique store:
CHILDREN LEFT UNATTENDED
WILL BE TOWED
AT PARENTS' EXPENSE

In a health food store window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

In some store somewhere:
COKE 49 CENTS. TWO FOR A DOLLAR.

Advertisement for an Austin restaurant that allows loitering:
COME IN AND TRY OUR BREAKFAST TACO AND LOAF.

Advertising sign in a dry area:
COLD DRINKS
SODAS 60¢
WATER 75¢

Painted on the back of a church bus in York, Nebraska:
COME WITH US!
LEARN ABOUT
//////////
EMERGENCY DOOR
//////////
//////////
J E S U S

Enticing sign for the variously thirsty in Plano, Texas:
COUNTRY CLUB BEVERAGE
BEER   -   WINE

PROPANE

On a church/school markee in Richardson, Texas:
CRAZY HAT DAY 16-17
Isn't that two days?

Another enticing sign, this one at Dunkin' Donuts:
CUP OF SOUP
10 ¢
WITH SAND

On an Alabama store owned by someone who doesn't understand punctuation:
D.J.s' "N" SONS PAWN

At a Pilot gas station / convenience store:
DIESEL FRIED CHICKEN

In the restroom of an airport:
DO NOT FORGET YOUR LUGGAGE, JEWELRY, CLOTHING

On an office door somewhere:
DR. JONES,
VETERINARY MEDICINE AND TAXIDERMY.
EITHER WAY, YOU GET YOUR DOG BACK.

Billboard in Manchaca, Texas:
DOLLAR TILE
69¢

At a psychic hot line switchboard:
DON'T CALL US;
WE'LL CALL YOU.

At Mississippi State University, an institution of higher (?) learning:
DON'T NEVER EVER ENTER

By the road:
DONT'T DRINK AND DRIVE

In the front yard of a funeral home:

  DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT. 
 
||

At the Texas state line, apparently multiple choice:
DRIVE FRIENDLY
THE TEXAS WAY

At a restaurant for very fast eaters:
DRIVE-THRU
ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT
SPECIALS

On a low overhead at a bed-and-breakfast inn:
DUCK OR GROUSE

On the business card of a Painting & Roofing specialist:
ELECTRICAL REPAIRS
- INCLUDING SWIMMING POOLS -

In a safari park:
ELEPHANTS
PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
||

Along a lonely road:
EMERGENCY PHONE
174 KM AHEAD

  From the Showcrafters Safety Manual:  
Employee lawsuits resulting from electrocution due to faulty shop
equipment will be dismissed on the basis of insufficient grounds.

On the Plaza Theatre marquee:
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
ETERNITY STARTS AT 6 P.M.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -

By the road in Midland, Texas:
  EXCEIIENCE IS NOT AN ACT  
|| - - - - - - - - - - ||

Making me wonder how I will exit:
<---
FIRE EXIT / KEEP DOOR CLOSED

Outside a convention center:
FLEA MARKET 19 MAY.
DOG SHOW POSTPONED

In a conference center:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

In front of a graveyard:
FOR RENT

In a hospital with a lot of "patience":
FOR YOUR SAFETY, YOUR BAR-CODED ARMBAND MUST
BE SCANNED BEFORE YOU TAKE YOUR MEDICINE.
—PATIENCE SAFETY

On a business in Arlington, Texas:
FORMERLY FINEST BEAUTY SALON

Temporary sign in a church yard:
FRED IS FINALLY LEAVING.
COME HELP US CELEBRATE.
| - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |

Billboard east of Albuquerque, New Mexico:
 
  FREE BATHROOM TOURS  
 
| | | | | |

On a machine in the company cafeteria:
FREE BLOOD PRESSURE

Uniquely named inn on I-35 in Oklahoma:
FRIED PIES
MOTEL

Above the food cases in a convenience store in Albuquerque:
    FROZEN         ICE    

Changeable-letter sign at a tire shop:
FREE  BRA  KEINSPECTION

Homemade sign held by a protester:
GET A
BRAIN!
MORANS

At a pro shop:
GOLF BALLS
THE SIZE
OF HAIL

At the entrance to the Hibiscus Restaurant, Jakarta Hilton International:
  G R I L L   A N D   R O A S T   Y O U R   C L I E N T S !  

I saw a building with what I judged to be some sort of cool Asian architecture,
and I didn't know what it was. So I drove over to take a look.
The sign out front certainly cleared things up:
GURDWARA SINGH SABHA

On a fast-food restaurant in Frisco, Texas:
HAVE A SAFE SUMMER BREAKFAST COMBO MEAL

Hotel / convention center sign:
HAVE YOUR AFFAIR HERE

Where they are happy to serve in "whatever" capacity:
HEALTH BAR / FUDGE FACTORY

In front of a church building (where they no longer belong to Christ?):
HEBRON PARKWAY
CHURCH
OF CHRIST

On the door of a plastic surgeon's office:
HELLO, CAN WE PICK YOUR NOSE?

At the ENTRANCE of a grocery store:
HOW WAS YOUR VISIT?

In a nonsmoking area:
IF WE SEE YOU SMOKING,
WE WILL ASSUME YOU
ARE ON FIRE AND TAKE
APPROPRIATE ACTION.

In a service garage:
IF WE CAN'T FIX YOUR BRAKES,
WE'LL MAKE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

On the cover of a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

At a roadside diner in Sutton, Alaska:
IF YOU DON'T EAT HERE, WE'LL BOTH STARVE.

At an optometrist's office:
IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR,
YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

Well-meaning sign posted at a business:
IF YOU THINK OUR EMPLOYEES ARE RUDE,
YOU SHOULD TALK TO OUR MANAGER.

On the door of a PA state store:
If you're under 21 and
you try to buy alcohol in
this store, we'll do worse
than tell your mother.

In a public building:
IN CASE OF FIRE:
Please leave the building before
posting it on social media.

Historical Marker:
IN THIS ROOM
ON APRIL 22, 1962,
A MARITAL ARGUMENT
WAS WON BY THE
MAN OF THE HOUSE.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT

Handwritten on a car parked in a space designated FOR PREGNANT WOMEN ONLY:
J U S T   M A R R I E D

Bumper sticker on a work vehicle:
  K E E P   W O R K I N G  
MILLIONS ON WELFARE
DEPEND ON YOU!

On a dangerous curve:
<---
KEEP
RIGHT

Billboard in a field:
 
  KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD  
 
| | | | | | | | |

At a service station:
KIDS WITH GAS EAT FREE

Grocery store in Richardson, Texas:
KIWI FRUIT
  2 FOR 47¢ EACH  

On a volunteer fire dept.:
LAMBERT FIRE DISTRICT
SAME DAY FIRE SERVICE

On an electrician's truck:
LET US REMOVE YOUR SHORTS

In Lucas, Texas:
LIVE BAIT
SANDWICHES

Encouragement for people who want to disappear completely:
LOSE 2-8 POUNDS
EVERY WEEK

On a church building in Chicago:
  Members Only  

In an office building:
MICROBIOLOGY LAB -- STAPH ONLY

At a dance hall in Louisville, Kentucky:
MONARCHS LEGENDS
NOVTH24 DANCE

Identity Crisis near Centerhill Lake in Tennessee:
THE BAPTIST CHURCH OF CHRIST

Changeable-letter sign at a service station:
MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE
THE STUPID SIGN SO I DID

Bumper sticker on a pickup truck in the Ozarks:
MY WIFE IS AN HONOR STUDENT
AT MARK TWAIN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL

On a Montana roadside:

NEXT LEFT
>-->
ANTIQUES

Outside a muffler shop:
NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY. WE WILL HEAR YOU COMING.

Roadside sign demonstrating the importance of punctuation:

NO DUMPING VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED

At Kennedy Space Center, where not everything is rocket science:
NO ENRTY

At Victoria Station, London:
NO ENTRY EXCEPT FOR ACCESS

In Swansea, Wales:
(For translation of the Welsh portion, click HERE.)
<---
No entry for heavy goods vehicles.

In a parking lot, or not:
NO PARKING IN PARKING LOT
||

On a front entrance:
NO PARKING INSIDE BUILDING
VIOLATORS WILL BE TOWED!!!

Street sign by someone who fails to see the importance of punctuation:
  NO PARKING VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED  
||

At our favorite Mexican restaurant in Dallas,
making me glad I'm ALL MAN:

NO PARTMEN PARKING

Put beside the road by someone who thinks you have unlimited fuel:
NO STOPPING ANY TIME

On a fence in Old Town, Spring, Texas:
NO TRESPASSING AFTER 8 P M

Similar sign with unintentional implication:
NO TRESPASSING BEYOND THIS POINT

In a church parking lot:
NO TRESPASSING UNLESS AUTHORIZED
||

Placed by the Arizona DOT at the Petrified Forest NP exit:
NO TRUCKS - DELIVERIES EXPECTED

In the Corbett National Park, Uttar Pradesh, India:
NOTICE:
RAMGANGA RIVER IS INHABITED BY CROCODILES.
SWIMMING IS PROHIBITED.
SURVIVORS WILL BE PROSECUTED.
||

In a grocery store, in the produce department:
  NOTICE! TAKE LETTUCE FROM TOP OF STACK, OR HEADS WILL ROLL!  

On a truck belonging to—of all things—a SIGN company:
NOW HIRING QUALIFIED
TRUCK & SHOP PERSONNEL
APPLY AT OFFFICE

On a Burger King®
that believes in equal opportunity
(but not equal pay):
NOW HIRING
2 FISH FOR $3

Beside a divided highway:

<------
------>
ONE WAY

In front of a duplex on a busy street in Stratford-upon-Avon:
  P A R K   P R E T T I L Y   P L E A S E  

On a video game in an arcade:
PARENTAL ADVISORY WARNING
This Game Classified
Suitable For All Ages

At many fast-food restaurants:
PARKING FOR
DRIVE-THROUGH
CUSTOMERS ONLY
||

In a convenience store window:
PAY AS YOU GO
INTERNET ACCESS
PREPAY YOUR WAY ONLINE
Is it pay-as-you-go, or is it prepay?
How can you prepay on-line before you have internet access?

In a restaurant in Cabo San Lucas, Baja California Sur:
Perfect English Broken Here

In an English cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS
FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

Where you have permission to yell really loud:
PHONE OUT OF SERVICE? / GIVE US A CALL

On the day-care door in a fitness center,
making me wonder where the kids are supposed to play:
PLAYROOM (Parents Only)

Inside a bowling alley:
PLEASE BE QUIET. WE NEED TO HEAR A PIN DROP.

At a zoo:
PLEASE BE SAFE. DO NOT STAND, SIT, CLIMB OR LEAN
ON ZOO FENCES. IF YOU FALL, ANIMALS COULD EAT
YOU AND THAT MIGHT MAKE THEM SICK. THANK YOU.

On an office door in the T.P.D. warehouse:
PLEASE KEEP DOOR CLOSED.
OPEN DOOR SLOWLY.
THANK YOU.

On a front entrance:
- PLEASE -
NO SMOKING, FOOD, DRINK
OR GORILLAS

On a gas pump, department of redundancy department:
PLEASE PRE-PAY FIRST AFTER DARK

In the free weight area of a YMCA:
PLEASE PUT DUMBBELLS IN THEIR PROPER PLACE

In a bathroom stall:
PLEASE READ.
THESE ARE WATER SAVING TANKS
REQUIRED BY THE CITY.
PLEASE FLUSH OFTEN WHILE IN USE.
THANKS!

At a registration desk:
PLEASE SIGN IN, BUT PRINT

In the Hayden Planetarium, NYC:
PLEASE turn off your cell phones,
digital cameras, and small children

In a rural Georgia:

POINTE
NORTH
v

At a polo field, where apparently no games are ever played:
POSITIVELY NO HORSES
PEOPLE OR VEHICLES
ON THE POLO FIELDS
AT ANY TIME

On a wall:
POSTED NO BILLS

Invitation for burglars to come after hours:
PROPERTY UNDER
SURVEILLANCE
DURING STORE HOURS

On a maternity room door:
PUSH, PUSH, PUSH

Footpath warning:
QUICKSAND.
ANY PERSON PASSING THIS
POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE
DISTRICT COUNCIL.
||

Changeable-letter sign at a business:
QU!T 5T3AL!NG
O R LETT3R$

At a fertilizer dealer in Whitesboro, Texas:
RAIN   IN   FOR   CAST

On a Safeway store in Louisville, Colorado:
RE-GRAND OPENING

On I-90 in Illinois:
REPORT DRIVERS
USING A CELL PHONE.
PLEASE CALL *99.

On many roads, implying I've been going an unsafe speed:
RESUME
SAFE
SPEED
||

Lighted highway sign in Allen, Texas:
RIGTH LANE CLOSED

On a road apparently being worked on by a foreign construction crew:
ROAD BROCK

Menu item featured in large letters on the exterior of a convenience store:
RUEBEN

On some oceanside piers in Alaska:
SAFETY LADDER
USE AT YOUR OWN RISK

On a church building in Highland, Indiana:
ST JAMES THE LESS CATHOLIC CHURCH

At a retailer:
SALES PROS WANTED
NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

On a fence:
| | | | | | |
SALESMEN WELCOME.
DOG FOOD IS EXPENSIVE.
| | | | | | |

In a convenience store with a really, really good fridge:
SANDWICHES AND STUFF
F r e s h   S i n c e   1 9 4 2

On a garbage truck:
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED
OR DOUBLE YOUR TRASH BACK

Instructions in I-forget-where:
SERVE ALL NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINKS TO CHILDREN IN PLASTIC CUPS

Pizza shop slogan:
SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT PIZZA MAKES ONE WEAK.

Common street sign, insensitive department:
SLOW
CHILDREN AT PLAY
||

On a street, I forget where:
SLOW PARKING AHEAD
||

On the roadside:
SLOW DOWN / DEER CROSSING (accomp by pic of elephant)

Written by the [apostrophically-challenged] boss on an unusable skid of boxes:
  SMELL'S LIKE KEROSENE  

In an outdoor sports area:
SOCCER   NOT
ALLOWED

SOCCER   MAY   ONLY
BE   PLAYED   IN
ARCHERY   RANGE.

On an out-of-order piece of equipment in Bally's fitness center:
SORRY PARTS ON ORDER

Painted on pavement:
S O T P

Traffic sign advising exhibitionists to slow down:
SPEED LIMIT
20
WHEN FLASHING
||

Vandalized sign that is [apparently] in the imaginations of many drivers:

If it was unscheduled, how could they make a poster to advertise it?

On a booth at the Kentucky State Fair:
SUICIDE SURVIVORS

On the stage at Hersheypark:

Billboard near Louisville, Kentucky:
TATTOO CHARLIE'S
---
DONE WHILE YOU WAIT
| | | | | |

Homemade sign made by a protester:
TEACH OUR CHILDREN
READING, WRITING,
ARITHETIC,
NOT GAMBLING

Interesting way to refer to all purchases:
10% off Purchases up to $20 and more

In a commercial district in Plano, Texas:
Tex-Mex Grill
SLEEP EXPERTS

Billboard appealing to cannibals:
 
  THE COLONEL'S ALL YOU CAN EAT  
 
| | | | | | |

On a fence post by a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS
TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
| | |

At Baylor University Stadium:
  THERE   IS   NO   I   IN   TEEM  

In a church yard in Waukesha, Wisconsin:
THERE WILL BE NO CHRISTIAN ENDEAVOR THIS SUMMER

Billboard placed by a religious group:
 
THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE?
We can help!
 

Sign in New York City, possibly made by an ESL student:
THIS AREA UNDER SURVALLIANCE

Sign in John's Backyard Grill, a Dallas bussines:
THIS DOOR TO REMAIN
UNLOCKED DURING
BUSSINES HOURS

In the contradiction department of the G. W. Bush museum:
This facility is tobacco-free.  Please smoke only in designated areas.

On a church door in England:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.
ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.

(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.
PLEASE USE SIDE ENTRANCE.)

In a podiatrist's office:
  TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS  

At Ocean Drive in Corpus Christi, Texas:
TO CROSS OCEAN
PUSH BUTTON
WAIT FOR WALK SIGNAL
||

In a British loo:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER
- - -
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

On a trash can, of all places:
TRASH ONLY

At a restaurant with an unusual:
TRY OUR
FRESH BAKED
CINNAMON

By the road in Omaha:
TURN RIGHT TO GO LEFT

The four-for-a-penny special in Plano, Texas:
  .25¢ CARWASH  

On a curb in Garland, Texas:
24 HR PARKING ONLY

In a cleaner's window,
leaving me to wonder how much it costs to clean the WHOLE garment:
$264 MOST GARMENT

In a grocery store:
2 / $5
$2.50 each
Save $1.38 on 2

At a McDonald's restaurant now selling writing utensils(?):
2   F O R   $ 2   B I C M A C

In a store:
UNATTENDED CHILDREN
WILL BE GIVEN AN EXPRESSO
AND A FREE PUPPY

On an ice machine:
USE SCOOP
- - -
NO HANDS

By the road in Kentucky:
USED COWS
FOR SALE
| |

Yard sign in Richardson, Texas:

Vote For Radical
I believe that says "Vote for Radical."

On the back of an overturned truck:
WANTED: EXPERIENCED DRIVERS

In a restaurant window:
WANTED:
MAN TO WASH DISHES
AND TWO WAITRESSES

On the street near Greenleaf Landscaping in Sherman, Texas:
WARNING: HIGH WATER WHEN FLOODED

At an alley entrance in Dallas:
WATCH FOR CHILDREN
BACKING AUTOS
||

Traffic sign, duh department:
WATER ON ROAD WHEN RAINING
||

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR ~
THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

At a towing company:
WE DON'T CHARGE AN ARM AND A LEG.
WE WANT YOUR TOWS.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING--BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN

On a restaurant markee:
WE HAVE CRAWFISH
NOW HIRING
THE BEST GUMBO IN TOWN

On the outside door of an International House Of Pancakes:
WE HAVE MENUS IN BRAILLE.

On a taxidermist's window:
WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF

On a plumbers truck:
WE REPAIR WHAT YOUR HUSBAND FIXED

At a gas station:
WE WILL NOT SELL GASOLINE
TO ANYONE IN GLASS CONTAINERS

In a hospital cafeteria:
WE WILL NOW BE SERVING
BREAKFAST SANDWICHES ALL DAY
6:00 am - 2:00 pm

On the BACK of a truck:
WE'RE BEHIND YOU ALL THE WAY

Where they are happy to serve in "whatever" capacity:
WEIGHT WATCHERS / BASKIN-ROBBINS

In a non-Inglish-spikking country:
WELCOM TURIST
WE SPIK INGLISH

In the YMCA, Hartwell, Georgia:
WELCOME / Do Not Enter

On a door in Spring, Texas:
WELCOME FRIENDS AND RELATIVES
-=- APPOINTMENTS ONLY -=-

At the Arkansas state line:
WELCOME_TO_ARKANSAS

Bragging about the dependability of the local police
(or maybe not):
WHEN THE SECONDS COUNT, WE'RE THERE IN MINUTES.

Boastful sign on an Austin lot that didn't look that big to me:
WHOLE EARTH PARKING
||

On a restaurant door:
WOMEN ARE NOT SERVED HERE.
YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR OWN.

Beside a restroom door:
WOMEN
NO DOGS ALLOWED

In a conspicuous place in an office:
  WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK
  THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
  PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
  FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

At a crosswalk in Valdosta, Georgia:
YEILD

In Taipei, Taiwan:
YELLING DENTAL CLINIC

In the Dallas County Assistant Clerk's office:
YOU MUST EXIT THE BUILDING
TO SMOKE AT LEAST 25 FEET

At the [un]welcome desk of the CCCC fitness center:
YOU MUST PRESENT I.D. TO USE FACILITY.
YOU WILL BE ASKED TO LEAVE!

Bumper sticker on an old VW bus:
    0 - 55 IN 11 MINUTES    

Hours posted by someone who can't decide which system to use:
07:30 AM - 16:00 PM


On a drink machine, with someone's handwritten addition:
DIET COLA ISN'T WORKING
TRY EXERCISE AND A LOW-CARB DIET

Inside a Harding University girls' dorm, with someone's handwritten addition:
DO NOT EXIT! DOOR IS ALARMED!
  THE WINDOW IS PRETTY CALM,
    THOUGH.

In the T.P.D. warehouse breakroom, with someone's handwritten addition:
DO NOT THROW FOREIGN OBJECTS DOWN THE SINK
ONLY U.S. ONES

At an Exxon in Cedar Park, Texas, with someone's handwritten addition:
PRE-PAY BEFORE FUELING
POST-PAY AFTERWARD

On a college campus, with someone's handwritten addition:
SHOES ARE REQUIRED TO EAT IN THE CAFETERIA.
SOCKS CAN EAT ANYWHERE THEY WANT.


Two signs on the same post:
CEMETARY LANE
DEAD END
||

Two signs on the same post in Westfield, New Jersey:
DO NOT
ENTER
ENTRANCE
ONLY
||

Adjacent signs on a store:
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS
N O W   H I R I N G

Consecutive signs on a frontage road:
LEFT LANE MUST
ENTER TOLLWAY
LEFT LANE CLOSED

Adjacent signs at the E.D.S. pool:
LIFEGUARD ON DUTY
POOL CLOSED

Signs publicizing sermon topics at adjacent church buildings in Georgia:
LOVE THY NEIGHBOR
WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE
IS IN TROUBLE

Two signs on the same post:
NO PARKING
HERE TO CORNER
TWO HOUR
PARKING
||

Two signs on the same door at Collin College:
NO ENTRANCE!
NO ENTRANCE!
TEAM ENTRANCE ONLY

Two signs on the same post at an I-81 rest stop:
NO
PETS
ALLOWED
ALL PETS MUST
BE ON LEASH
| |

Two more signs on the same post:
NO
STOPPING
ANY
TIME
STOP
FOR
PEDESTRIAN
IN
CROSSWALK
||

Two stickers on the same bumper:
  ONE WORLD, ONE PEOPLE     C E L E B R A T E   D I V E R S I T Y  

Directions on the same end of one box:
OPEN OTHER END
THIS END UP

Adjacent signs in a restaurant:
RESTROOMS >>>
PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED

Adjacent signs in a convenience store near Hurricane, Utah:
R E S T R O O M S
SEATING CAPACITY 36

Adjacent signs in the foyer of a commercial building:
ROBERTSON'S SOUND STUDIO EAR PIERCING

Two signs on the same post:
STOP
NO STOPPING
OR STANDING
||

Adjacent signs on the Black Bear Inn, Red River, New Mexico:
W E L C O M E
NO VACANCY

Two signs on the outside of the same door of a store in Richardson, Texas:
WELCOME TO ROSS.
E X I T   O N L Y


A cousin of mine made a sign at the location of a family reunion. It read:
PARKING ENTERANCE

When some of us chided her about the misspelling, she changed it:
PARKING ENTERENCE


Click on this street sign to see its context.

Click on this EXIT sign to check out some signage spotted by my sister-in-law.


Parting shot:

The following map is of course, fictitious, but my sister really did see a locator sign with a map labeled
"YOUR HEAR."

YOUR HEAR

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