Some Of Life's
Feel free to help.
- A rhetorical question
has the answer in it, doesn't it?
- Americans throw rice at weddings. . . .
Do Asians throw hamburgers?
- Are there Seeing Eye® people for blind dogs?
- At the Lipton® tea factory, do they allow coffee breaks?
- Before there were drawing boards, what did people go back to?
- Can a cross-eyed dyslexic read just fine?
- Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
- Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
- Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
- Can you visit a walk-in clinic if you're in a wheelchair?
--Robert L Scott
- Casper, Wyoming . . . is that a ghost town?
- Corn oil comes from corn; olive oil comes from olives.
Where does baby oil come from?
- Did Brigitte Bardot have a brother name Guylum?
- Did you ever notice that when you join "THE" and "IRS" you get "THEIRS"?
- Did you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
- Did you ever wonder how fast lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
- Did you ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- Did you get the telepathic message I sent you?
- Did you know . . . that no one ever reads these things?
- Do blind Eskimos have Seeing Eye® sled dogs?
- Do bookstore employees assist customers looking for the self-help section?
- Do catfish ever cough up scale balls?
- Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
- Do night watchmen in Alaska have to work six months straight?
- Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?
- Do they have strip shopping centers in nudist colonies?
- Do they sterilize the needle they use for a lethal injection?
- Do you think I look fat?
Do you think I look stupid?
- Does a golfer buy a new pair of socks every time he gets a hole in one?
- Does a radioactive cat have eighteen half-lives?
- Does it use more or less energy to wash my dishes by hand or in the dishwasher?
--I.E., written to a newspaper columnist
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Does throwing a cat out a car window create kitty litter?
- Don't you feel more like you do now than when you started reading this?
- During deer season, you can shoot the deer. What if it's tourist season?
- Have you ever noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
- Have you ever wondered if vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- How can the bank charge you for nonsufficient funds when you don't have
- How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
- How can you tell if buttermilk has gone bad?
- How can you tell if your bagpipes need tuning?
- How can you tell if you've run out of invisible ink?
- How come wrong numbers are never busy?
- How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that sign? Deer can't read; is that why
they have the picture?
- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
- How many women does it take to keep a secret?
- I've decided to fire all the yes-men, all the naysayers,
and all the equivocators. What do you think?
- If a cat always lands on its feet and bread always falls buttered side down,
what would happen if you buttered bread and strapped it to the back of cat?
- If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman around to hear,
is he still wrong?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
- If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it?
- If a tree falls in the forest when no one's around, and it hits a mime,
does anyone care?
- If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work in television?
- If foreign films are so good, why don't they make them here?
- If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of
- If I'm in a boat and I'm bailing out, I am only getting rid of some water.
But when I'm in an airplane and I'm bailing out, I have to leave?
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
--anonymous (i.e. I am ignorant of the source)
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If most accidents happen within five miles of your home,
why not move ten miles away?
- If nothing sticks to Teflon®, how does it stick to the pan?
- If "pro" is the opposite of "con," what is the opposite of "progress"?
- If someone is a widower, why do they say he was widowed? Why don't they say he
- If the Force of Yoda's is so strong, construct a sentence with words in the
proper order then why can't he?
- If the product being advertised is so great, why is it always compared to the
- If the seven dwarfs own a gold mine, how come
they all live in one crummy little house?
- If the traffic is this slow, why is it called rush hour?
- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex®?
- If women don't like rude, arrogant jerks, then why is Tom Cruise so popular?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, wouldn't you still be hungry?
- If you buy corn from a pirate, don't you pay a buck an ear?
- If your father was a lawnmower and your mother was a sewing machine,
how many pancakes could you stack on top of a chicken house, and why?
--Michael S. Ellis
- If you're in a vehicle traveling the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- If you have a stomach bug, should you make an appointment with a
- If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
- If you write a book entitled "How To Fail," and it fails, is it a success?
--Ron Luciano & David Fischer
- In the sports arena, why are they called "stands" if we're supposed to sit in them?
- Is a coworker someone who orks a cow?
- Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- Is the guy who shovels manure for a living required to "wash hands before returning to work?"?
- Is there a website to help people who are addicted to the Internet?
- Isn't Disneyland essentially a people trap built by a mouse?
- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear
intelligent until they speak?
- May I ask you a question?
- Mr. Neal, why do you always answer a question with a question?
Isn't that what Jesus did?
- Notice that it's called a building, but it's already built?
- Notice that they're called apartments, but they're all stuck together?
- Now that Mother Teresa is retired, what does she do? Volunteer work?
- Once I've gone completely bald, what will I put down for "hair color"?
- Once you invent that universal solvent, what are you going to keep it in?
- Playing a blank tape at full blast would probably drive the mimes crazy,
- Since 7-Eleven® is open twenty-four hours a day,
why do they have locks on the doors?
- The universe is everything, but scientists say it's expanding. Into what?
- To fix a broken wood duck, should you use wood glue or duck tape?
- To vacillate or not to vacillate? That is the question. Or is it?
- Today the temperature is zero. Tomorrow it's going to be twice as cold.
What will the temperature be tomorrow?
- What are "occasional chairs"? Do you use them when you sit at a
- What do little birdies see when they get knocked in the head?
- What do you call leftover soup du jour?
- What good is it to bring home the bacon, when the family wants to
eat out all the time?
- What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
- What if a synchronized swimmer drowns . . . ?
- What if I see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- What's another word for "thesaurus"?
- When a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- When a seaplane touches down, why do they say it lands?
Why don't they say it waters?
- When a Smurf® is choking,
what color does he turn?
- When FedEx merges with UPS, will they be Fed-Ups?
- When people ate chicken for the first time, what did they say it tasted like?
- When lumberjacks get into politics, do they form splinter groups?
- When signmakers go on strike, do they walk around carrying blank poster board?
- When the guy invented sliced bread, did he say it was the greatest thing
. . . ever?
- When the plane is going faster than sound, can you talk to the person
in front of you?
- When the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he can remain silent?
- When they ship Styrofoam®, what do they pack it in?
- When you enter a spitting contest, how do you expect to rate?
- When you fire your drummer and then hire him back, are there repercussions?
- When you open a package of cotton balls, do you throw away the top one?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Which is the lesser of two evils: food going to waste . . . or
--Frances M. Schmetzer
- Who bought the first telephone? And why?
- Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
And what about the two consecutive sound-alike syllables in "stutterer"?
- Why are claustrophobia support groups so poorly attended?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" when they are already there?
- Why do psychics ask you for your name?
- Why do they put Braille writing on the drive-up ATMs?
- Why do they put hot dogs in packages of ten and hot dog buns in packages of eight?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office?
What are we supposed to do, write to these people?
Why don't they just put the pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- Why does a woman complain about a man leaving the toilet seat up,
but a man doesn't complain about a woman leaving the toilet seat down?
- Why does an audible voice on TV say "Close-Captioned For The Hearing Impaired"?
- Why does an iron have a setting for "permanent press"?
- Why does everyone think I'm paranoid?
- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
- Why is it called a television "set" when there's only one?
- Why is it that children seem to grow up so fast and leave home so slowly?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is the third hand on a watch called "the second hand"? If you pay for a
brand new watch that has a second hand, do you get a second-hand watch?
- Why is the most popular pencil still #2?
- Why is there an expiration date on this sour cream?
- Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
- ¿¡Why isn't there an upside-down period at the beginning of a statement in Spanish!?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
- Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
- Why press the button harder on a remote control with a dead battery?
- Why wait for the pig to be dead to cure it?
- Would a network exec who cancels a soap opera be considered a serial killer?
- You know that little indestructible black box on the airplane?
Why don't they use that material to make the entire airplane?
If you think you know the source of a quote that I have marked "anonymous" or
any other single name, send me an E-mail.