Some Of Life's

Tough Questions

Feel free to help.


  1. A rhetorical question has the answer in it, doesn't it?
    --Ed Wharton
  2. Americans throw rice at weddings. . . . Do Asians throw hamburgers?
    --anonymous
  3. Are there Seeing Eye® people for blind dogs?
    --Rover
  4. At the Lipton® tea factory, do they allow coffee breaks?
    --anonymous
  5. Before there were drawing boards, what did people go back to?
    --The Russler
  6. Can a cross-eyed dyslexic read just fine?
    --suomynona
  7. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
    --The Russler
  8. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
    --The Russler
  9. Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
    --anonymous
  10. Can you visit a walk-in clinic if you're in a wheelchair?
    --Robert L Scott
  11. Casper, Wyoming . . . is that a ghost town?
    --The Russler
  12. Corn oil comes from corn; olive oil comes from olives. Where does baby oil come from?
    --anonymous
  13. Did you ever notice that when you join "THE" and "IRS" you get "THEIRS"?
    --anonymous
  14. Did you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
    --anonymous
  15. Did you ever wonder how fast lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
    --Rod
  16. Did you ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
    --John Mendoza
  17. Did you get the telepathic message I sent you?
    --Ken Zotigh
  18. Did you know . . . that no one ever reads these things?
    --anonymous
  19. Do blind Eskimos have Seeing Eye® sled dogs?
    --Nanook
  20. Do bookstore employees assist customers looking for the self-help section?
    --The Russler
  21. Do catfish ever cough up scale balls?
    --anonymous
  22. Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    --Hiromoto
  23. Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
    --Unix Fortune
  24. Do night watchmen in Alaska have to work six months straight?
    --Bill Schorr
  25. Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?
    --The Russler
  26. Do they have strip shopping centers in nudist colonies?
    --The Russler
  27. Do they sterilize the needle they use for a lethal injection?
    --anonymous
  28. Do you think I look fat?
    --wife
    Do you think I look stupid?
    --husband
  29. Does a golfer buy a new pair of socks every time he gets a hole in one?
    --The Russler
  30. Does a radioactive cat have eighteen half-lives?
    --anonymous
  31. Does it use more or less energy to wash my dishes by hand or in the dishwasher?
    --I.E., written to a newspaper columnist
  32. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    --Ken Zotigh
  33. Does throwing a cat out a car window create kitty litter?
    --anonymous
  34. Don't you feel more like you do now than when you started reading this?
    --The Russler
  35. During deer season, you can shoot the deer. What if it's tourist season?
    --The Russler
  36. Have you ever noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
    --anonymous
  37. Have you ever wondered if vegetarians eat animal crackers?
    --John Mendoza
  38. How can the bank charge you for nonsufficient funds when you don't have any money?
    --anonymous
  39. How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
    --Firesign Theater
  40. How can you tell if buttermilk has gone bad?
    --Kathy Scott
  41. How can you tell if your bagpipes need tuning?
    --McNamara
  42. How can you tell if you've run out of invisible ink?
    --anonymous
  43. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
    --Kathy Scott
  44. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
    --anonymous
  45. How do they get the deer to cross at that sign? Deer can't read; is that why they have the picture?
    --The Russler
  46. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
    --anonymous
  47. How many women does it take to keep a secret?
    --The Russler
  48. I've decided to fire all the yes-men, all the naysayers, and all the equivocators. What do you think?
    --my ex-boss
  49. If a cat always lands on its feet and bread always falls buttered side down, what would happen if you buttered bread and strapped it to the back of cat?
    --Michael Davis
  50. If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman around to hear, is he still wrong?
    --anonymous
  51. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    --Harpo
  52. If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    --Eve
  53. If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
    --anonymous
  54. If a tree falls in the forest when no one's around, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?
    --Gary Larson
  55. If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
    --anonymous
  56. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    --Ken
  57. If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work in television?
    --anonymous
  58. If foreign films are so good, why don't they make them here?
    --François
  59. If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?
    --anonymous carnivore
  60. If I'm in a boat and I'm bailing out, I am only getting rid of some water. But when I'm in an airplane and I'm bailing out, I have to leave?
    --The Russler
  61. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
    --anonymous (i.e. I am ignorant of the source)
  62. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
    --Victoria
  63. If most accidents happen within five miles of your home, why not move ten miles away?
    --Michael Davis
  64. If nothing sticks to Teflon®, how does it stick to the pan?
    --Ronald
  65. If "pro" is the opposite of "con," what is the opposite of "progress"?
    --anonymous
  66. If someone is a widower, why do they say he was widowed? Why don't they say he was widowered?
    --Meg Ryan
  67. If the Force of Yoda's is so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?
    --Unix Fortune
  68. If the product being advertised is so great, why is it always compared to the leading brand?
    --Ivern Bell
  69. If the seven dwarfs own a gold mine, how come they all live in one crummy little house?
    --Johnny Carson
  70. If the traffic is this slow, why is it called rush hour?
    --The Rushler
  71. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex®?
    --Art Hoppe
  72. If women don't like rude, arrogant jerks, then why is Tom Cruise so popular?
    --The Russler
  73. If you ate pasta and antipasta, wouldn't you still be hungry?
    --The Russler
  74. If you buy corn from a pirate, don't you pay a buck an ear?
    --The Russler
  75. If your father was a lawnmower and your mother was a sewing machine, how many pancakes could you stack on top of a chicken house, and why?
    --Michael S. Ellis
  76. If you're in a vehicle traveling the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
    --anonymous
  77. If you have a stomach bug, should you make an appointment with a gastroentomologist?
    --The Russler
  78. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
    --Stephen Wright
  79. If you write a book entitled "How To Fail," and it fails, is it a success?
    --Ron Luciano & David Fischer
  80. In the sports arena, why are they called "stands" if we're supposed to sit in them?
    --Kathy Scott
  81. Is a coworker someone who orks a cow?
    --The Russler
  82. Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
    --anonymous
  83. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
    --Clancy
  84. Is the guy who shovels manure for a living required to "wash hands before returning to work?"?
    --RKO
  85. Is there a website to help people who are addicted to the Internet?
    --The Russler
  86. Isn't Disneyland essentially a people trap built by a mouse?
    --anonymous
  87. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    --Marcus
  88. Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear intelligent until they speak?
    --anonymous
  89. May I ask you a question?
    --The Russler
  90. Mr. Neal, why do you always answer a question with a question?
    --The Russler
    Isn't that what Jesus did?
    --Dale Neal
  91. Notice that it's called a building, but it's already built?
    --David Beck
  92. Notice that they're called apartments, but they're all stuck together?
    --anonymous
  93. Now that Mother Teresa is retired, what does she do? Volunteer work?
    --Jody Dean
  94. Once I've gone completely bald, what will I put down for "hair color"?
    --The Russler
  95. Once you invent that universal solvent, what are you going to keep it in?
    --The Russler
  96. Playing a blank tape at full blast would probably drive the mimes crazy, wouldn't it?
    --anonymous
  97. Since 7-Eleven® is open twenty-four hours a day, why do they have locks on the doors?
    --Christine Wick
  98. The universe is everything, but scientists say it's expanding. Into what?
    --anonymous
  99. To fix a broken wood duck, should you use wood glue or duck tape?
    --The Russler
  100. To vacillate or not to vacillate? That is the question. Or is it?
    --anonymous
  101. Today the temperature is zero. Tomorrow it's going to be twice as cold. What will the temperature be tomorrow?
    --Chilly Willy
  102. What are "occasional chairs"? Do you use them when you sit at a "periodic table"?
    --The Russler
  103. What do little birdies see when they get knocked in the head?
    --Roger Rabbit
  104. What do you call leftover soup du jour?
    --Johnny Carson
  105. What good is it to bring home the bacon, when the family wants to eat out all the time?
    --Current Comedy
  106. What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
    --anonymous
  107. What if a synchronized swimmer drowns . . . ?
    --Art
  108. What if I see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    --anonymous
  109. What's another word for "thesaurus"?
    --Stephen Wright
  110. When a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    --anonymous
  111. When a seaplane touches down, why do they say it lands? Why don't they say it waters?
    --The Russler
  112. When a Smurf® is choking, what color does he turn?
    --Papa
  113. When FedEx merges with UPS, will they be Fed-Ups?
    --anonymous
  114. When people ate chicken for the first time, what did they say it tasted like?
    --Johnny Carson
  115. When lumberjacks get into politics, do they form splinter groups?
    --Ken Zotigh
  116. When selling ice to the eskimos, do you have to make a lot of cold calls?
    --The Russler
  117. When signmakers go on strike, do they walk around carrying blank poster board?
    --anonymous
  118. When the guy invented sliced bread, did he say it was the greatest thing . . . ever?
    --The Russler
  119. When the plane is going faster than sound, can you talk to the person in front of you?
    --anonymous
  120. When the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he can remain silent?
    --Murphy
  121. When they ship Styrofoam®, what do they pack it in?
    --Michael Davis
  122. When you enter a spitting contest, how do you expect to rate?
    --The Russler
  123. When you fire your drummer and then hire him back, are there repercussions?
    --The Russler
  124. When you open a package of cotton balls, do you throw away the top one?
    --anonymous
  125. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
    --Rick
  126. Which is the lesser of two evils: food going to waste . . . or to waist?
    --Frances M. Schmetzer
  127. Who bought the first telephone? And why?
    --Paul Kimberly
  128. Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? And what about the two consecutive sound-alike syllables in "stutterer"?
    --The Russler
  129. Why are claustrophobia support groups so poorly attended?
    --The Russler
  130. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
    --anonymous
  131. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    --Ryan Flores
  132. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" when they are already there?
    --Larry Anderson
  133. Why do psychics ask you for your name?
    --anonymous
  134. Why do they put Braille writing on the drive-up ATMs?
    --Kathy Scott
  135. Why do they put hot dogs in packages of ten and hot dog buns in packages of eight?
    --Kathy Scott
  136. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they just put the pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
    --anonymous
  137. Why do they report power outages on TV?
    --Kathy Scott
  138. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
    --anonymous
  139. Why does a woman complain about a man leaving the toilet seat up, but a man doesn't complain about a woman leaving the toilet seat down?
    --The Russler
  140. Why does an audible voice on TV say "Close-Captioned For The Hearing Impaired"?
    --The Russler
  141. Why does an iron have a setting for "permanent press"?
    --The Russler
  142. Why does everyone think I'm paranoid?
    --Alan Alda
  143. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
    --Michael Davis
  144. Why is it called a television "set" when there's only one?
    --Kathy Scott
  145. Why is it that children seem to grow up so fast and leave home so slowly?
    --Current Comedy
  146. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
    --anonymous
  147. Why is the third hand on a watch called "the second hand"? If you pay for a brand new watch that has a second hand, do you get a second-hand watch?
    --The Russler
  148. Why is the most popular pencil still #2?
    --anonymous
  149. Why is there an expiration date on this sour cream?
    --Derry
  150. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
    --Lily Tomlin
  151. ¿¡Why isn't there an upside-down period at the beginning of a statement in Spanish!?
    --The Russler
  152. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
    --Tom
  153. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
    --Phoebe
  154. Why press the button harder on a remote control with a dead battery?
    --anonymous
  155. Why wait for the pig to be dead to cure it?
    --Porky
  156. Would a network exec who cancels a soap opera be considered a serial killer?
    --The Russler
  157. You know that little indestructible black box on the airplane? Why don't they use that material to make the entire airplane?
    --anonymous

If you think you know the source of a quote that I have marked "anonymous" or any other single name, send me an E-mail.

THE RUSSLER
Word Wild Web
Dumb Things People Say
Lien À Trois
Elmwood Court
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