Americans throw rice at weddings. . . .
Do Asians throw hamburgers?
--anonymous
Are there Seeing Eye® people for blind dogs?
--Rover
At the Lipton® tea factory, do they allow coffee breaks?
--anonymous
Before there were drawing boards, what did people go back to?
--The Russler
Can a cross-eyed dyslexic read just fine?
--suomynona
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
--The Russler
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
--The Russler
Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
--anonymous
Can you visit a walk-in clinic if you're in a wheelchair?
--Robert L Scott
Casper, Wyoming . . . is that a ghost town?
--The Russler
Corn oil comes from corn; olive oil comes from olives.
Where does baby oil come from?
--anonymous
Did Brigitte Bardot have a brother name Guylum?
--anonymot
Did you ever notice that when you join "THE" and "IRS" you get "THEIRS"?
--anonymous
Did you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
--anonymous
Did you ever wonder how fast lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
--Rod
Did you ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
--John Mendoza
Did you get the telepathic message I sent you?
--Ken Zotigh
Did you know . . . that no one ever reads these things?
--anonymous
Do blind Eskimos have Seeing Eye® sled dogs?
--Nanook
Do bookstore employees assist customers looking for the self-help section?
--The Russler
Do catfish ever cough up scale balls?
--anonymous
Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
--Hiromoto
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
--Unix Fortune
Do night watchmen in Alaska have to work six months straight?
--Bill Schorr
Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?
--The Russler
Do they have strip shopping centers in nudist colonies?
--The Russler
Do they sterilize the needle they use for a lethal injection?
--anonymous
Do you think I look fat?
--wife Do you think I look stupid?
--husband
Does a golfer buy a new pair of socks every time he gets a hole in one?
--The Russler
Does a radioactive cat have eighteen half-lives?
--anonymous
Does it use more or less energy to wash my dishes by hand or in the dishwasher?
--I.E., written to a newspaper columnist
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
--Ken Zotigh
Does throwing a cat out a car window create kitty litter?
--anonymous
Don't you feel more like you do now than when you started reading this?
--The Russler
During deer season, you can shoot the deer. What if it's tourist season?
--The Russler
Have you ever noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
--anonymous
Have you ever wondered if vegetarians eat animal crackers?
--John Mendoza
How can the bank charge you for nonsufficient funds when you don't have
any money?
--anonymous
How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
--Firesign Theater
How can you tell if buttermilk has gone bad?
--Kathy Scott
How can you tell if your bagpipes need tuning?
--McNamara
How can you tell if you've run out of invisible ink?
--anonymous
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
--Kathy Scott
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
--anonymous
How do they get the deer to cross at that sign? Deer can't read; is that why
they have the picture?
--The Russler
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
--anonymous
How many women does it take to keep a secret?
--The Russler
I've decided to fire all the yes-men, all the naysayers,
and all the equivocators. What do you think?
--my ex-boss
If a cat always lands on its feet and bread always falls buttered side down,
what would happen if you buttered bread and strapped it to the back of cat?
--Michael Davis
If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman around to hear,
is he still wrong?
--anonymous
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
--Harpo
If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
--Eve
If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it?
--anonymous
If a tree falls in the forest when no one's around, and it hits a mime,
does anyone care?
--Gary Larson
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
--anonymous
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
--Ken
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work in television?
--anonymous
If foreign films are so good, why don't they make them here?
--François
If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of
meat?
--anonymous carnivore
If I'm in a boat and I'm bailing out, I am only getting rid of some water.
But when I'm in an airplane and I'm bailing out, I have to leave?
--The Russler
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
--anonymous (i.e. I am ignorant of the source)
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
--Victoria
If most accidents happen within five miles of your home,
why not move ten miles away?
--Michael Davis
If nothing sticks to Teflon®, how does it stick to the pan?
--Ronald
If "pro" is the opposite of "con," what is the opposite of "progress"?
--anonymous
If someone is a widower, why do they say he was widowed? Why don't they say he
was widowered?
--Meg Ryan
If the Force of Yoda's is so strong, construct a sentence with words in the
proper order then why can't he?
--Unix Fortune
If the product being advertised is so great, why is it always compared to the
leading brand?
--Ivern Bell
If the seven dwarfs own a gold mine, how come
they all live in one crummy little house?
--Johnny Carson
If the traffic is this slow, why is it called rush hour?
--The Rushler
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex®?
--Art Hoppe
If women don't like rude, arrogant jerks, then why is Tom Cruise so popular?
--The Russler
If you ate pasta and antipasta, wouldn't you still be hungry?
--The Russler
If you buy corn from a pirate, don't you pay a buck an ear?
--The Russler
If your father was a lawnmower and your mother was a sewing machine,
how many pancakes could you stack on top of a chicken house, and why?
--Michael S. Ellis
If you're in a vehicle traveling the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
--anonymous
If you have a stomach bug, should you make an appointment with a
gastroentomologist?
--The Russler
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
--Stephen Wright
If you write a book entitled "How To Fail," and it fails, is it a success?
--Ron Luciano & David Fischer
In the sports arena, why are they called "stands" if we're supposed to sit in them?
--Kathy Scott
Is a coworker someone who orks a cow?
--The Russler
Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
--anonymous
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
--Clancy
Is the guy who shovels manure for a living required to "wash hands before returning to work?"?
--RKO
Is there a website to help people who are addicted to the Internet?
--The Russler
Isn't Disneyland essentially a people trap built by a mouse?
--anonymous
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
--Marcus
Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear
intelligent until they speak?
--anonymous
May I ask you a question?
--The Russler
Mr. Neal, why do you always answer a question with a question?
--The Russler Isn't that what Jesus did?
--Dale Neal
Notice that it's called a building, but it's already built?
--David Beck
Notice that they're called apartments, but they're all stuck together?
--anonymous
Now that Mother Teresa is retired, what does she do? Volunteer work?
--Jody Dean
Once I've gone completely bald, what will I put down for "hair color"?
--The Russler
Once you invent that universal solvent, what are you going to keep it in?
--The Russler
Playing a blank tape at full blast would probably drive the mimes crazy,
wouldn't it?
--anonymous
Since 7-Eleven® is open twenty-four hours a day,
why do they have locks on the doors?
--Christine Wick
The universe is everything, but scientists say it's expanding. Into what?
--anonymous
To fix a broken wood duck, should you use wood glue or duck tape?
--The Russler
To vacillate or not to vacillate? That is the question. Or is it?
--anonymous
Today the temperature is zero. Tomorrow it's going to be twice as cold.
What will the temperature be tomorrow?
--Chilly Willy
What are "occasional chairs"? Do you use them when you sit at a
"periodic table"?
--The Russler
What do little birdies see when they get knocked in the head?
--Roger Rabbit
What do you call leftover soup du jour?
--Johnny Carson
What good is it to bring home the bacon, when the family wants to
eat out all the time?
--Current Comedy
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
--anonymous
What if a synchronized swimmer drowns . . . ?
--Art
What if I see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
--anonymous
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
--Stephen Wright
When a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
--anonymous
When a seaplane touches down, why do they say it lands?
Why don't they say it waters?
--The Russler
When a Smurf® is choking,
what color does he turn?
--Papa
When FedEx merges with UPS, will they be Fed-Ups?
--anonymous
When people ate chicken for the first time, what did they say it tasted like?
--Johnny Carson
When lumberjacks get into politics, do they form splinter groups?
--Ken Zotigh
When signmakers go on strike, do they walk around carrying blank poster board?
--anonymous
When the guy invented sliced bread, did he say it was the greatest thing
. . . ever?
--The Russler
When the plane is going faster than sound, can you talk to the person
in front of you?
--anonymous
When the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he can remain silent?
--Murphy
When they ship Styrofoam®, what do they pack it in?
--Michael Davis
When you enter a spitting contest, how do you expect to rate?
--The Russler
When you fire your drummer and then hire him back, are there repercussions?
--The Russler
When you open a package of cotton balls, do you throw away the top one?
--anonymous
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
--Rick
Which is the lesser of two evils: food going to waste . . . or
to waist?
--Frances M. Schmetzer
Who bought the first telephone? And why?
--Paul Kimberly
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
And what about the two consecutive sound-alike syllables in "stutterer"?
--The Russler
Why are claustrophobia support groups so poorly attended?
--The Russler
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
--anonymous
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
--Ryan Flores
Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" when they are already there?
--Larry Anderson
Why do psychics ask you for your name?
--anonymous
Why do they put Braille writing on the drive-up ATMs?
--Kathy Scott
Why do they put hot dogs in packages of ten and hot dog buns in packages of eight?
--Kathy Scott
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office?
What are we supposed to do, write to these people?
Why don't they just put the pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
--anonymous
Why do they report power outages on TV?
--Kathy Scott
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
--anonymous
Why does a woman complain about a man leaving the toilet seat up,
but a man doesn't complain about a woman leaving the toilet seat down?
--The Russler
Why does an audible voice on TV say "Close-Captioned For The Hearing Impaired"?
--The Russler
Why does an iron have a setting for "permanent press"?
--The Russler
Why does everyone think I'm paranoid?
--Alan Alda
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
--Michael Davis
Why is it called a television "set" when there's only one?
--Kathy Scott
Why is it that children seem to grow up so fast and leave home so slowly?
--Current Comedy
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
--anonymous
Why is the third hand on a watch called "the second hand"? If you pay for a
brand new watch that has a second hand, do you get a second-hand watch?
--The Russler
Why is the most popular pencil still #2?
--anonymous
Why is there an expiration date on this sour cream?
--Derry
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
--Lily Tomlin
¿¡Why isn't there an upside-down period at the beginning of a statement in Spanish!?
--The Russler
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
--Tom
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
--Phoebe
Why press the button harder on a remote control with a dead battery?
--anonymous
Why wait for the pig to be dead to cure it?
--Porky
Would a network exec who cancels a soap opera be considered a serial killer?
--The Russler
You know that little indestructible black box on the airplane?
Why don't they use that material to make the entire airplane?
--anonymous